Praise the Lord and Pass the Aspirin
March 21, 2006
Greetings from Lincoln. Spring has arrived which means we were due for our first major snowstorm of the year. I just spent an hour shoveling snow off our roof. Yes our roof. The two feet of snow will melt and probably bust out our aging gutters so I tried not to kill myself. The dangerous thing about the deep snow is it would have muffled my screams if I took a dive off the house. Thankfully no major injuries.
Thought I would share the latest funny episode at our house. It involves going to church. Those with young children know that going to church with kids is risky business. You never know when a screaming episode might break out. Our oldest is fine in church but now that we have a baby to go with our second child, I'm not getting anything accomplished at Mass. I mostly spend the hour watching the two of them like a hawk, looking for the slightest sign of an impending eruption. Fortunately for us, so far, the baby has slept in her car seat peacefully. But I get nervous when I see her face get scrunched up. You have to decode the facial expressions. "Is that her 'I've got gas' face or the 'Get me out of this car seat you idiot or I'm going to make you wish you were never born' face?" The differences are subtle but deadly.
Nothing is worse than being caught in the middle of the pew with a screaming kid and making the walk of shame out to the back. Actually it's more like a circus act as you sprint as fast as you can out of the pew, avoiding all the down kneelers and feet while trying not to fall and kill yourself and your screaming child. All while maintaining a prayerful presence. You really feel for the parents that don't make it out in time. They're like a comrade in arms that goes down in battle. Last week a child erupted like Mt. St. Helen and the dad was fumbling to get out of the pew. I thought to myself, as the dad scurried for the exit, "Poor bastard never had a chance."
Our second child is a different animal all together. His church game is multi dimensional; he can beat you with the screaming, the crying, the laughing or the bolting. For the most part the kid is great but beneath the sunny smiling church pew disposition is real volatility. His worst episode occurred a couple weeks ago was when he was playing balancing beam on the kneeler, took a header and smashed his head on the hard wooden back of the pew. Fortunately for me he gave the "Delayed- level 10 -red faced -mouth open -no sound coming out - holy crap that really hurt my head" scream and I scooped him up and was halfway down the aisle before the scream came out.
Well this past Sunday proved just how devious the mind of a child is. We were sitting near the back as usual and our second child could see kids playing in the vestibule of the church behind the closed doors. He kept pointing to the kids and was thinking, "Hey can I get in on that action out there?" I shook my head no. That's when it happened. Remembering the hitting his head on the pew episode from a couple weeks earlier, he calmly turned and faced forward, sized up the pew, paused, and gave it a good head butt! I couldn't believe it! The pure evil genius of it all! Fortunately it was a half hearted attempt at self inflicted pain and he just winced and rubbed his head and pointed to the kids again. No screaming. I looked at my wife and we both starting laughing uncontrollably. Un-freaking-believable.
After Mass Father noticed the red mark on my son's forehead and asked "What happened?" I just responded "You wouldn't believe it if I told you."
Greetings from Lincoln. Spring has arrived which means we were due for our first major snowstorm of the year. I just spent an hour shoveling snow off our roof. Yes our roof. The two feet of snow will melt and probably bust out our aging gutters so I tried not to kill myself. The dangerous thing about the deep snow is it would have muffled my screams if I took a dive off the house. Thankfully no major injuries.
Thought I would share the latest funny episode at our house. It involves going to church. Those with young children know that going to church with kids is risky business. You never know when a screaming episode might break out. Our oldest is fine in church but now that we have a baby to go with our second child, I'm not getting anything accomplished at Mass. I mostly spend the hour watching the two of them like a hawk, looking for the slightest sign of an impending eruption. Fortunately for us, so far, the baby has slept in her car seat peacefully. But I get nervous when I see her face get scrunched up. You have to decode the facial expressions. "Is that her 'I've got gas' face or the 'Get me out of this car seat you idiot or I'm going to make you wish you were never born' face?" The differences are subtle but deadly.
Nothing is worse than being caught in the middle of the pew with a screaming kid and making the walk of shame out to the back. Actually it's more like a circus act as you sprint as fast as you can out of the pew, avoiding all the down kneelers and feet while trying not to fall and kill yourself and your screaming child. All while maintaining a prayerful presence. You really feel for the parents that don't make it out in time. They're like a comrade in arms that goes down in battle. Last week a child erupted like Mt. St. Helen and the dad was fumbling to get out of the pew. I thought to myself, as the dad scurried for the exit, "Poor bastard never had a chance."
Our second child is a different animal all together. His church game is multi dimensional; he can beat you with the screaming, the crying, the laughing or the bolting. For the most part the kid is great but beneath the sunny smiling church pew disposition is real volatility. His worst episode occurred a couple weeks ago was when he was playing balancing beam on the kneeler, took a header and smashed his head on the hard wooden back of the pew. Fortunately for me he gave the "Delayed- level 10 -red faced -mouth open -no sound coming out - holy crap that really hurt my head" scream and I scooped him up and was halfway down the aisle before the scream came out.
Well this past Sunday proved just how devious the mind of a child is. We were sitting near the back as usual and our second child could see kids playing in the vestibule of the church behind the closed doors. He kept pointing to the kids and was thinking, "Hey can I get in on that action out there?" I shook my head no. That's when it happened. Remembering the hitting his head on the pew episode from a couple weeks earlier, he calmly turned and faced forward, sized up the pew, paused, and gave it a good head butt! I couldn't believe it! The pure evil genius of it all! Fortunately it was a half hearted attempt at self inflicted pain and he just winced and rubbed his head and pointed to the kids again. No screaming. I looked at my wife and we both starting laughing uncontrollably. Un-freaking-believable.
After Mass Father noticed the red mark on my son's forehead and asked "What happened?" I just responded "You wouldn't believe it if I told you."
posted by Hank Louis Tierney at 7:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home