Paint Ball Purple Heart
Sunday, November 26, 2006
My sister is getting married at the end of this year. While I am thrilled at the prospect of her upcoming marriage and gaining a new brother-in-law, I am sore today and recovering from one of the traditional events leading up to a wedding; the bachelor party. But this was no ordinary bacherlor party. My future brother-in-law's (Todd)bacherlor party involved an afternoon of fun and war games at Action Jack's paint ball.
First a bit of background on the men attending the bacherlor party. Todd had about 20 guys attending the bachelor party. Many of them grew up in and around the farming community of Dedham, Iowa. Many were experienced hunters. I had fired a gun once in my life 10 years ago at a friend's outdoor firing range and as I recall never once hit a target. So I was going "paint balling" with hunters and farmers. I was as good as dead.
1300 - I arrive at Action Jack's about the same time as the groom to be and his friends. We receive our gear; one paint ball gun and mask. Thankfully the mask covers all of my face and wraps around my ears and has goggles to look through. The goggles will prove to have an amazing ability to completely fog up the second I put them on. The mask is of good quality and will soon be tested thoroughly. The worker provides a brief review of how to load and fire the gun. Seems fairly simple. I'm feeling confident as we walk across the road to the series of outdoor fields where the contests of the afternoon would be held. The theme song from the movie "Patton" begins to play in my head.
1320 We walk to the command post and as we walk next to one of the battle fields we are told to put on our masks and goggles. I casually start to put on my mask when paintballs start whizzing around to my right. I slam my mask on.
1325 We enter the compound and are joined by the rest of the bachelor party. I quickly notice several members are dressed in camouflage. Perfect. I feel a bit vulnerable in my sweat pants and Wilton Beavers basketball sweatshirt. I then quickly notice some members' guns have scopes on them. I search in vain for a beer cart.
1345 We have now purchased our paint balls. 500 rounds of ammo. Our guns are filled, the game leader/referee explains the rules and hands out red and white ribbons to identify the red and white teams. I'm handed a red ribbon and hope it isn't a sign of future blood loss. There are actually about 50 people in the compound and we're divided into 2 teams. I'm surprised to notice kids playing who look about 10 years old or younger. Unfortunately they're wearing reb ribbons.
1350 We're told to move out to field A for the first game. I join the red team on one end of the field. I can't see the other end of the field or anybody on the opposing team. The field is probably 100 to 125 yards long and filled with trees, man made obstacles of wood and metal, crude wooden forts, and lots of brush. For some reason there is a knot of nervous tension forming in my stomach and one thought runs through my mind...if I soil myself I am not going to be able to attend the wedding. The theme song from "Jaws" starts to overtake the them song from "Patton".
1351 The referee explains the game. I don't hear a word he's saying. My mind is racing with questions. Where they hell is the enemy? Why can't I see anything with this mask on! What am I doing here? I'm too old for this crap! Why are all the 10 year olds standing next to me? I try to find a happy theme song to put in my head and settle for the song from "Sandford and Sons".
1352 Time for a little personal pep talk. You can do this! Remember when you shot your brother in the butt with a b-b gun in 1985? That was a great shot! You had to hit him on the move as he was diving over the bed. Same concept. You are a marksmen! You are a warrior!
1353 Then the referee blows his whistle. Game on! From somewhere deep in my DNA, instinct and pure adrenaline take over and I rush forward. I will lead a heroic charge straight up the middle of the battlefield! Years from now songs will be sung, movies made, and poems told of the valor of the charge I led! Onward to glory, honor, and paint ball immortality!
1354 My right thigh explodes in pain and yellow dye. Sweet mother of pearl I'm hit! Then I'm hit again in my right shoulder. Medic! I throw my arms up in the universal paint ball sign that I'm hit and out of the game. This will guarantee my safe passage off the field. Or not. I turn around and get hit three more times in the back. Great. Now it'll look like I ran like a coward from the field of battle. I limp off the field and glance down on my left thigh and thank my guardian angel the shot wasn't two inches to the left.
1355 Back at the compound the wounded slowly stream in. As I talk with some paint ball veterans I learn an important lesson; turns out running up the middle is not the smartest strategy as it allows your enemy to fire at you from both the right and left. Why wasn't that in the manual? Fortunately for me there will be other games. This is only the first of five games we end up playing throughout the afternoon.
1415 Round 2. This time I follow advice of the veterans and slowly move up the left flank. I've now lasted 5 more minutes than round 1 and I'm proud of it. I crouch behind a wooden barricade and spy two enemy opponents at 10 o'clock. I hit the deck, position my gun between a crack in the barricade and fire my first shots of the afternoon. I've got them pinned down! I unleash a wicked barrage of paint balls at the enemy. They peak their heads from behind the tree they're hiding from for a second, only to duck behind it again after I spray paint balls all around them. I resist the urge to reenact the scene from the movie "Tombstone" where Kurt Russell walks out into an open stream during a gunfight and fires with reckless abandon, all the while screaming "Noooooooo!" Instead I keep firing and hit one the guys! My first kill! But he doesn't leave. Cheater! I hit him again. And again. But he still doesn't leave. Clearly, this man has no honor. I'm finally joined by some teammates and we pummel the guy into submission and he finally throws his arms up. The whistle sounds signaling the round is over. I survived. I'm alive! I march triumphantly off the battlefield with the "Patton" theme song back in my head.
1450 Round 3 I find myself pinned down with my future brother-in-law behind a wooden barricade. I can't see anything or anybody in front of us. We discuss strategy and I take a quick peak when WHAM!! My goggles explode in yellow dye. Holy #!@@$&*!!!!! I'm hit in the goggles right between the eyes. Thankfully I didn't soil myself. I can't see much through the yellow smear on my goggles. Of course my vision is not much worse then when they were fogged up. I stagger off the field. Another quick round.
We end up playing another 2 rounds. The only injury I end up with is a bruised shin. I think I've earned the respect of the members of the bachelor party. After all, I took one right between the eyes and didn't cry. We finally leave "Action Jacks" and brag about our exploits and feats of courage that afternoon. I've held my own with hunters, farmers and paint ball veterans. Maybe some day I'll be back. But first I need to watch "Tombstone" a couple more times.
My sister is getting married at the end of this year. While I am thrilled at the prospect of her upcoming marriage and gaining a new brother-in-law, I am sore today and recovering from one of the traditional events leading up to a wedding; the bachelor party. But this was no ordinary bacherlor party. My future brother-in-law's (Todd)bacherlor party involved an afternoon of fun and war games at Action Jack's paint ball.
First a bit of background on the men attending the bacherlor party. Todd had about 20 guys attending the bachelor party. Many of them grew up in and around the farming community of Dedham, Iowa. Many were experienced hunters. I had fired a gun once in my life 10 years ago at a friend's outdoor firing range and as I recall never once hit a target. So I was going "paint balling" with hunters and farmers. I was as good as dead.
1300 - I arrive at Action Jack's about the same time as the groom to be and his friends. We receive our gear; one paint ball gun and mask. Thankfully the mask covers all of my face and wraps around my ears and has goggles to look through. The goggles will prove to have an amazing ability to completely fog up the second I put them on. The mask is of good quality and will soon be tested thoroughly. The worker provides a brief review of how to load and fire the gun. Seems fairly simple. I'm feeling confident as we walk across the road to the series of outdoor fields where the contests of the afternoon would be held. The theme song from the movie "Patton" begins to play in my head.
1320 We walk to the command post and as we walk next to one of the battle fields we are told to put on our masks and goggles. I casually start to put on my mask when paintballs start whizzing around to my right. I slam my mask on.
1325 We enter the compound and are joined by the rest of the bachelor party. I quickly notice several members are dressed in camouflage. Perfect. I feel a bit vulnerable in my sweat pants and Wilton Beavers basketball sweatshirt. I then quickly notice some members' guns have scopes on them. I search in vain for a beer cart.
1345 We have now purchased our paint balls. 500 rounds of ammo. Our guns are filled, the game leader/referee explains the rules and hands out red and white ribbons to identify the red and white teams. I'm handed a red ribbon and hope it isn't a sign of future blood loss. There are actually about 50 people in the compound and we're divided into 2 teams. I'm surprised to notice kids playing who look about 10 years old or younger. Unfortunately they're wearing reb ribbons.
1350 We're told to move out to field A for the first game. I join the red team on one end of the field. I can't see the other end of the field or anybody on the opposing team. The field is probably 100 to 125 yards long and filled with trees, man made obstacles of wood and metal, crude wooden forts, and lots of brush. For some reason there is a knot of nervous tension forming in my stomach and one thought runs through my mind...if I soil myself I am not going to be able to attend the wedding. The theme song from "Jaws" starts to overtake the them song from "Patton".
1351 The referee explains the game. I don't hear a word he's saying. My mind is racing with questions. Where they hell is the enemy? Why can't I see anything with this mask on! What am I doing here? I'm too old for this crap! Why are all the 10 year olds standing next to me? I try to find a happy theme song to put in my head and settle for the song from "Sandford and Sons".
1352 Time for a little personal pep talk. You can do this! Remember when you shot your brother in the butt with a b-b gun in 1985? That was a great shot! You had to hit him on the move as he was diving over the bed. Same concept. You are a marksmen! You are a warrior!
1353 Then the referee blows his whistle. Game on! From somewhere deep in my DNA, instinct and pure adrenaline take over and I rush forward. I will lead a heroic charge straight up the middle of the battlefield! Years from now songs will be sung, movies made, and poems told of the valor of the charge I led! Onward to glory, honor, and paint ball immortality!
1354 My right thigh explodes in pain and yellow dye. Sweet mother of pearl I'm hit! Then I'm hit again in my right shoulder. Medic! I throw my arms up in the universal paint ball sign that I'm hit and out of the game. This will guarantee my safe passage off the field. Or not. I turn around and get hit three more times in the back. Great. Now it'll look like I ran like a coward from the field of battle. I limp off the field and glance down on my left thigh and thank my guardian angel the shot wasn't two inches to the left.
1355 Back at the compound the wounded slowly stream in. As I talk with some paint ball veterans I learn an important lesson; turns out running up the middle is not the smartest strategy as it allows your enemy to fire at you from both the right and left. Why wasn't that in the manual? Fortunately for me there will be other games. This is only the first of five games we end up playing throughout the afternoon.
1415 Round 2. This time I follow advice of the veterans and slowly move up the left flank. I've now lasted 5 more minutes than round 1 and I'm proud of it. I crouch behind a wooden barricade and spy two enemy opponents at 10 o'clock. I hit the deck, position my gun between a crack in the barricade and fire my first shots of the afternoon. I've got them pinned down! I unleash a wicked barrage of paint balls at the enemy. They peak their heads from behind the tree they're hiding from for a second, only to duck behind it again after I spray paint balls all around them. I resist the urge to reenact the scene from the movie "Tombstone" where Kurt Russell walks out into an open stream during a gunfight and fires with reckless abandon, all the while screaming "Noooooooo!" Instead I keep firing and hit one the guys! My first kill! But he doesn't leave. Cheater! I hit him again. And again. But he still doesn't leave. Clearly, this man has no honor. I'm finally joined by some teammates and we pummel the guy into submission and he finally throws his arms up. The whistle sounds signaling the round is over. I survived. I'm alive! I march triumphantly off the battlefield with the "Patton" theme song back in my head.
1450 Round 3 I find myself pinned down with my future brother-in-law behind a wooden barricade. I can't see anything or anybody in front of us. We discuss strategy and I take a quick peak when WHAM!! My goggles explode in yellow dye. Holy #!@@$&*!!!!! I'm hit in the goggles right between the eyes. Thankfully I didn't soil myself. I can't see much through the yellow smear on my goggles. Of course my vision is not much worse then when they were fogged up. I stagger off the field. Another quick round.
We end up playing another 2 rounds. The only injury I end up with is a bruised shin. I think I've earned the respect of the members of the bachelor party. After all, I took one right between the eyes and didn't cry. We finally leave "Action Jacks" and brag about our exploits and feats of courage that afternoon. I've held my own with hunters, farmers and paint ball veterans. Maybe some day I'll be back. But first I need to watch "Tombstone" a couple more times.
posted by Hank Louis Tierney at 7:47 PM
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