Frodo's Last Stand
We recently traveled back to Colorado for Easter to visit my wife's family. We got to talking about one of our not so favorite memories of the wedding of my wife's younger sister and her husband a few years ago.
I like weddings. But I dislike the whole "cute little ring bearer and flower girl" tradition. I think it's pointless and a complete waste of time. Not unlike "Caddyshack 2." Everyone tries to have cute little kids walk down the isle but it has no meaningful role whatsoever in the whole ceremony. Plus the kids screw it up most of the time and the wedding party spends the whole ceremony shepherding the "little cherubs" to their proper spot in the lineup, or consoling them when they inevitably freeze up, start crying, or wet their pants. Ba humbug.
So naturally I was thrilled when my sister-in-law asked our oldest son who was 4 at the time to serve as a ring bearer. Actually he was co-ring bearer as her husband's nephew, also age 4, was going to be a ring bearer. Add two flower girls into the mix and we had a party!
The festivities started when the wedding party went to get fitted for tuxes. Reason # 72 ring bearers are a bad idea...pricey mini tuxes. My son looked so handsome standing there looking at himself in the mirror. But he was 3 feet tall. How could three feet of material cost $120 dollars??? Shouldn't it be about 1/3 the amount of a normal size tux? The store owner looked at me like I was a complete moron when I laid that little piece of logic on him. I muttered something about mob ties in the clothing industry under my breath as I paid the bill and left the store.
Despite my bad attitude I did want my son to enjoy the whole experience so to make it fun for him I started calling him "Frodo" from the Lord of the Rings. I spent hours trying to explain to him the whole Lord of the Rings stories, and how Frodo was the ring bearer but it was a bit over his head. I gave up and turned my attention to the details of the big day.
My wife was a bridesmaid which meant I was going to be solo with Frodo and our one year old son. We were staying at my in-laws house. My father-in-law, brother-in-law, two boys and I were all going to the church the morning of the wedding. We made the decision to get everyone dressed in their tuxes at church. Now I'm sure the passengers of the Titanic didn't realize what they were getting in for when that boat left the dock and what a fateful decision they had made to get on the boat and set sail. Little did I realize that the decision to get dressed at the church would have dire consequences. Maybe not Titanic. But definitely unpleasant.
All the pictures were after the wedding so we just had to show up at the church about an hour before the wedding Mass started. We arrive and everyone is excited and bubbly and the bridesmaids are all running around doing bridesmaid things. My wife checked in with me when we arrived.
"Did you remember the tux?"
"Of course I remembered the tux. What do think, I'm an idiot?...Don't answer that."
We visit with family and guests until about 45 minutes prior to kick off and I decide it's time to get Frodo into his tux. I'm escorted into a small little church bathroom because the bride and bridesmaids are bogarting the big changing room in the basement of the church.
As I shut the door to the 3x3 bathroom I sensed trouble. Frodo looked less than eager to get the tux on. I place the one year old on the floor and gave him some toilet paper to play with. Then I spread out the tux pieces on the tiny sink and top of the toilet. I could almost touch the opposite ends of this mini-john with my outstretched arms. Then the ship starting to take in water.
"Ok buddy let's get dressed."
"NO!"
"Hey now, that's not what Frodo Baggins would say."
"I hate Frodo! And I hate my clothes! And I hate you."
Gandalf, we have a problem. I tried to coax the pants on my son but he fought me like a wild cat. I look at my watch. 30 minutes till kickoff. A small shiver of panic begins to set in, mixed with a little claustrophobia. I try to get the shirt on over his head and Frodo is now in full defensive mode. Shoes, socks, buttons, bow ties, everything is scattered around the room. Another attempt, then another fail. 15 minutes to go. The small shiver of panice is now full blown, watch out for the scary orks panic! I look around the room at the wreckage and think to myself, "I can't get dressed in a tux in 15 minutes, how am I going to get a non-cooperative crazy person to put one on???"
My brother in-law pokes his head in the door, "How's it going in here?" The scene of Frodo standing in his Blue Clues underpants crying, the one year old crying, and me holding pieces of a tiny little overpriced tux, sobbing, scares him right out the door.
Then I throw up a Hail Mary. As I desperately glace around the tiny bathroom I notice the lapel flower and bargain, "Ok buddy, how about if we don't wear the flower????" Suddenly, for a reason I still don't understand, Frodo stopped his hysterical crying.
"No flower?"
"Nope. No flower."
"Ok"
Victory! I fly around the mini john slamming on pants, shirt, jacket, buttons, shoes, (No freaking flower) and run him out of the bathroom and throw him to the bridal party with about 2 minutes to spare. I run back into the bathroom and grab the one year old and head for my spot in the back of church. My brother-in-law tells me, "You ok? You don't look so good." I quickly begin to count the minutes until the bar opens at the reception.
Frodo Baggins he's not. But I begrudgingly admit, as he walked down the isle, that he did make a cute little ring bearer. Just count me out for any sequels.
I like weddings. But I dislike the whole "cute little ring bearer and flower girl" tradition. I think it's pointless and a complete waste of time. Not unlike "Caddyshack 2." Everyone tries to have cute little kids walk down the isle but it has no meaningful role whatsoever in the whole ceremony. Plus the kids screw it up most of the time and the wedding party spends the whole ceremony shepherding the "little cherubs" to their proper spot in the lineup, or consoling them when they inevitably freeze up, start crying, or wet their pants. Ba humbug.
So naturally I was thrilled when my sister-in-law asked our oldest son who was 4 at the time to serve as a ring bearer. Actually he was co-ring bearer as her husband's nephew, also age 4, was going to be a ring bearer. Add two flower girls into the mix and we had a party!
The festivities started when the wedding party went to get fitted for tuxes. Reason # 72 ring bearers are a bad idea...pricey mini tuxes. My son looked so handsome standing there looking at himself in the mirror. But he was 3 feet tall. How could three feet of material cost $120 dollars??? Shouldn't it be about 1/3 the amount of a normal size tux? The store owner looked at me like I was a complete moron when I laid that little piece of logic on him. I muttered something about mob ties in the clothing industry under my breath as I paid the bill and left the store.
Despite my bad attitude I did want my son to enjoy the whole experience so to make it fun for him I started calling him "Frodo" from the Lord of the Rings. I spent hours trying to explain to him the whole Lord of the Rings stories, and how Frodo was the ring bearer but it was a bit over his head. I gave up and turned my attention to the details of the big day.
My wife was a bridesmaid which meant I was going to be solo with Frodo and our one year old son. We were staying at my in-laws house. My father-in-law, brother-in-law, two boys and I were all going to the church the morning of the wedding. We made the decision to get everyone dressed in their tuxes at church. Now I'm sure the passengers of the Titanic didn't realize what they were getting in for when that boat left the dock and what a fateful decision they had made to get on the boat and set sail. Little did I realize that the decision to get dressed at the church would have dire consequences. Maybe not Titanic. But definitely unpleasant.
All the pictures were after the wedding so we just had to show up at the church about an hour before the wedding Mass started. We arrive and everyone is excited and bubbly and the bridesmaids are all running around doing bridesmaid things. My wife checked in with me when we arrived.
"Did you remember the tux?"
"Of course I remembered the tux. What do think, I'm an idiot?...Don't answer that."
We visit with family and guests until about 45 minutes prior to kick off and I decide it's time to get Frodo into his tux. I'm escorted into a small little church bathroom because the bride and bridesmaids are bogarting the big changing room in the basement of the church.
As I shut the door to the 3x3 bathroom I sensed trouble. Frodo looked less than eager to get the tux on. I place the one year old on the floor and gave him some toilet paper to play with. Then I spread out the tux pieces on the tiny sink and top of the toilet. I could almost touch the opposite ends of this mini-john with my outstretched arms. Then the ship starting to take in water.
"Ok buddy let's get dressed."
"NO!"
"Hey now, that's not what Frodo Baggins would say."
"I hate Frodo! And I hate my clothes! And I hate you."
Gandalf, we have a problem. I tried to coax the pants on my son but he fought me like a wild cat. I look at my watch. 30 minutes till kickoff. A small shiver of panic begins to set in, mixed with a little claustrophobia. I try to get the shirt on over his head and Frodo is now in full defensive mode. Shoes, socks, buttons, bow ties, everything is scattered around the room. Another attempt, then another fail. 15 minutes to go. The small shiver of panice is now full blown, watch out for the scary orks panic! I look around the room at the wreckage and think to myself, "I can't get dressed in a tux in 15 minutes, how am I going to get a non-cooperative crazy person to put one on???"
My brother in-law pokes his head in the door, "How's it going in here?" The scene of Frodo standing in his Blue Clues underpants crying, the one year old crying, and me holding pieces of a tiny little overpriced tux, sobbing, scares him right out the door.
Then I throw up a Hail Mary. As I desperately glace around the tiny bathroom I notice the lapel flower and bargain, "Ok buddy, how about if we don't wear the flower????" Suddenly, for a reason I still don't understand, Frodo stopped his hysterical crying.
"No flower?"
"Nope. No flower."
"Ok"
Victory! I fly around the mini john slamming on pants, shirt, jacket, buttons, shoes, (No freaking flower) and run him out of the bathroom and throw him to the bridal party with about 2 minutes to spare. I run back into the bathroom and grab the one year old and head for my spot in the back of church. My brother-in-law tells me, "You ok? You don't look so good." I quickly begin to count the minutes until the bar opens at the reception.
Frodo Baggins he's not. But I begrudgingly admit, as he walked down the isle, that he did make a cute little ring bearer. Just count me out for any sequels.
posted by Hank Louis Tierney at 7:22 PM
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